Frequently Asked Questions from Undecided Voters

With the election fast approaching, there are still many Americans who haven’t decided which presidential candidate to vote for. I thought I’d take some time today and answer some of the more frequently asked questions from undecided voters to help them make this very important decision.

Q. I voted early. Can I still be undecided?
– S.G., Colorado

A. Unfortunately, if you voted for a presidential candidate, you’ve technically made a decision. Feel free to be self-conscious about it, though.

Q. I went to vote, and I was surprised to see more than two candidates for president. I’ve only heard of the two from my picture box, and I still hadn’t decided between them at the poll. I freaked out, ran, and left my ballot open. What should I do?
-G.M., California

A. I’d suggest calling your polling place and enrolling in a community college.

Q. My boss likes to talk politics, and I’m afraid to tell him that I’m leaning towards a different candidate, but also afraid to seem undecided because of the stigma that undecided voters have in regards to their intellect. Is it my responsibility to tell him or should I avoid political conversation all together?
-J. B., Delaware

A. You may be able to avoid the question and distract your boss by using rhetorical flourishes.

Q. I haven’t decided for whom to vote yet, and I really enjoy the attention of being an undecided.
-I.S., Georgia

A. That’s not really a question.

Q. I’m afraid I won’t decide in time for the election. I’ve heard of early voting. Is there late voting as well? Can I file for an extension?
-G.E., Montana

A. If you haven’t decided on a presidential candidate by Election Day, you will automatically be granted an extension for four years. In your case, I think this is the prudent move.

Q. I’m still undecided because I’m an idiot. Who should tell me how to vote?
-F.R., Florida

A. I would keep asking the election officials at your polling place until one of them fills out your ballot for you. You may have to be persistent.

Q. I’m still undecided. Does that make me gay?
-R.W., Texas

A. Not necessarily, and it's absolutely normal, even brave, that you are open to exploring. Don’t put any pressure on yourself to choose a presidential candidate. Eventually, one will just feel right to you. However, being from Texas, if it turns out you’re not gay, it does mean you are a steer.

Q. I don’t like either candidate. If I vote communist, does that mean I’m anti-American?
-F.R., South or North Dakota

A. No. In fact, George W. Bush remains a proud American in spite of his recent efforts to end capitalism. You may in fact be voting for the party of the future.

Q. I like both candidates, and both candidates have expressed that they care about me too. I don’t want to hurt either’s feelings. What should I do?
L.L., Washington ;)

A. It is a difficult and important decision, and it will be better for both candidates when you make a decision. One candidate will be happy that you chose him. The other may be disappointed at first, but he will be free to move on to other swing voters. Sometimes it’s helpful to test each candidate’s devotion to you. You seem nice, so you may hesitate to do anything that feels manipulative, but you have a right to know which one cares about you more. I’d suggest sending each candidate an email explaining that you’ve missed your period and are worried about being pregnant. If by their responses things are still equal, it’s okay to choose the candidate with the bigger stimulus package.

Q. Each candidate has talked about the economy, health care, and national security at length. I’m waiting to hear about the issues that matter most to me. When will we find out if Zach Braff lands a spin-off of Scrubs? Can the government do more to bring Lauren and Heidi back to the negotiating table? Where do the candidates stand on the lack of ratings for Mad Men?
K.C., New York

A. I appreciate your questions, and there’s a lot of issues you threw in there. I’ll have to get back with you.


I hoped this helped. Now get out there and undecide your future!